I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update,

but my manager said that would undermine the 'synergy' we create by all staring at each other in silence for 15 minutes.

I just got a raise, but it's all relative

because now I can afford ramen noodles twice a week instead of once

I've been doing the work in therapy to develop healthier coping mechanisms,

but so far my go-to coping mechanism is just telling people I'm doing the work in therapy.

My parents asked if I'm saving for a down payment.

I told them I'm saving for the societal collapse – feels more realistic.