Dad Joke Archive

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I spent an hour this morning trying to fix that leaky faucet in the bathroom. I tightened all the nuts and even replaced a washer, but it's still dripping.

I guess it just doesn't know how to pipe down.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh!

Your mom asked me to whip up some eggs for breakfast this morning, but I couldn't find the whisk anywhere. I looked in every drawer and cupboard, but it was nowhere to be seen.

I guess you could say I was at my *wits* end.

I tried to catch some fog earlier, but I mist.

I went to the cheese shop today to pick up some fancy cheddar for our dinner party. They had so many different kinds of cheese, it was hard to choose just one.

It was a really gouda experience.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

I was helping your mom fold laundry the other day, and I noticed this one sock that had lost its partner. It just sat there, all by itself in the basket.

I guess it was feeling a bit sock-lonely.

What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged!

I was helping our neighbor fix their fence today, nailing boards and making sure it was sturdy. It was a lot of hard work out in the sun, really building up a sweat.

But honestly, I wasn't really *board* at all.

What do you call a grape that complains all the time?

A whine.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

So I was wrestling with my computer all morning, trying to get it to work properly. It kept freezing up and being incredibly slow, really testing my patience.

I finally decided to just give it a *byte* of my mind.

I bought a new vacuum cleaner today — it really sucks.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

So, I was at the airport today, picking up your cousin from his flight. I saw all these big airplanes landing and taking off, carrying people all over the world.

It really made me want to travel. I guess I'm ready to 'plane' my next vacation.

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time.