Dad Joke Archive

I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was here or not.

What did the guitar say to the musician?

Pick on someone your own size!

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

I tried to start a career as a baker, but it didn't work out.

I guess you could say I couldn't knead the dough.

I was trying to teach my kids about gardening, and we planted a small tree in our backyard. They were excited to see it grow, and we started talking about the different types of trees you can plant. I asked my kids what they thought our tree would look like in a few years, and they said

it would be a tree-mendous success!

So, I was at the restaurant the other night, and I asked the waiter if they had any specials. He told me about their amazing seafood platter, and I told him it sounded delicious.

Then I asked him, 'Do you accept crustaceans?'

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because it was feeling crummy.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

Why did the clock get sent to the principal's office?

Because it kept tocking too much!

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems.

So I was at the coffee shop this morning, and the barista accidentally spilled some coffee all over the counter. He looked really flustered and apologized profusely.

I told him not to worry, because sometimes you just gotta *espresso* yourself.

I'm shell-shocked by how much I love oysters, they're a real pearl of a snack.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two-tired.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine!

So I was at the beach with my kids, and we saw a person building an enormous sandcastle with towers and a moat. The kids were fascinated by the details and started asking the builder about their design process. I asked the person how they managed to make their castle so sturdy, and they said

it was a grain of experience

I took my kids to the farm and we saw a cow playing a guitar

I guess you could say it was a moo-sical genius