Why did Cupid's arrow go to therapy?

Because it had a lot of 'pointed' issues to work through.

This Valentine's Day, I'm planning a very intimate dinner...

...with someone who truly understands me: the delivery driver who already knows my order.

Are you a Valentine's candy heart?

Because you're sweet and have all the right messages... but I'm pretty sure you're mostly sugar and artificial coloring.

I've been trying to find the perfect Valentine's Day gift

but it's hard when the only person I'm in a relationship with is Netflix, and they already know my password