I love how self-care ads always say 'take a few minutes for yourself each day'

like I can just carve out a tranquil oasis between my 3 PM meeting and 3:05 PM panic attack

I've been noticing that guys on dating apps love to brag about being 'dog dads'

but their idea of 'parenting' is just posting a cousin's dog on their profile

I was having a particularly mundane day, so I decided to spice things up

I started narrating my laundry cycle in a David Attenborough voice, and now I'm convinced my socks are on a journey of self-discovery

I've started using a dating app where you have to answer a questionnaire to find your perfect match

Now I know exactly what I'm looking for in a partner: someone who can handle 47 pages of my emotional baggage and still think I'm a catch