I went on a date with a guy who claimed he was a 'free spirit' on his profile

Turns out, that just means he's 30 and still living with his parents

I went on a date with a guy who said he's 'really into old movies' and 'loves reading classic literature'

But when I asked him about his favorite book, he said 'uh, The Notebook' and I realized he's been getting his literary credentials from his ex's Netflix queue

I was at the grocery store, dramatically monologuing to myself about the meaning of life in the cereal aisle

when I realized I was just trying to decide between Corn Flakes and Rice Krispies

I just spent 20 minutes staring blankly at my fridge.

Not because I was hungry, but because I was calculating the optimal day to buy groceries based on expiring coupons, my work schedule, and the lunar cycle.