I've been dating a clockmaker, and she's always trying to wind me up

My barista told me she likes a nice, long, stiff rod.

She says it's essential for properly stirring her iced lattes.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to experiment with something new in bed. She said, 'Let's try anal.'

I said, 'Honey, I've been trying that for years. It's called marriage.'

My wife told me she wants me to 'go all night' in the bedroom.

I told her, 'Honey, I barely make it through the opening credits without falling asleep, let alone the director's cut.'