I told my girlfriend I was thinking of taking up a new instrument.

She said, 'Why? You already have one, and you barely know how to play it yet.'

I told my new barista that I like it when she really gets in there and starts pounding and grinding, then finishes it off with a nice swirl of cream.

She just looked at me and said, 'Sir, this is a coffee shop. We just make lattes.'

I've been dating a clockmaker, and she's always trying to wind me up

My wife is always complaining that I never listen to her in bed.

So last night, when she yelled 'No, stop!', I immediately pulled out. And she still got mad!