I'm addicted to placebos — I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference.

So I was watching a nature show with the kids about different kinds of trees, and we saw some really tall ones. My daughter asked me if all trees were good at remembering things.

I told her, 'No, only the ones with good mem-oaks!'

I took my cat to the vet, and they said it was having some vision problems.

I guess you could say it was having a paws-itive correlation between its eyesight and its purr-manent blindness.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato!