He said he was looking for 'an independent woman' on his dating profile.

And by 'independent,' I think he meant 'a woman who pays for her own drinks, drives herself home, and never asks him to lift a finger around her apartment.'

He told me he prefers women who aren't 'too high-maintenance.'

Honey, I just spent ten minutes trying to peel a hair tie off my wrist without taking off my watch. We are barely maintaining.

I saw a guy's dating profile where he described himself as 'low-key' and looking for 'good vibes only.'

Which I've learned is code for 'I bring absolutely nothing to the table, and I will never acknowledge your feelings.'

My date was running 15 minutes late, which was actually perfect, because it gave me just enough time...

...to frantically clear the pile of 'clothes I tried on and rejected' from my bed and shove the three empty La Croix cans into the recycling bin, so my apartment looked effortlessly tidy instead of a pre-date war zone.