I love how self-care ads always say 'take a few minutes for yourself each day'

like I can just carve out a tranquil oasis between my 3 PM meeting and 3:05 PM panic attack

I've noticed that guys on dating apps love to say they're 'foodies'

but their idea of 'fine dining' is just eating a whole pizza by themselves

I've started to think that my wardrobe is 90% clothes I've kept because they still have the tags on

and 10% clothes I've actually worn, but I'm holding onto the tags as proof that I didn't just buy them to impress myself

I was having a particularly mundane day, so I decided to spice things up

I started narrating my trip to the DMV, complete with a dramatic voiceover and an imaginary film score – 'As she waited in line, the clock ticked away, each passing minute a reminder that her destiny was being held hostage by a bureaucratic abyss'