So, I was at the bakery this morning, picking up some fresh bread for breakfast. The baker was telling me about how early he has to start every day to get everything ready.

I guess he really kneads his job.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because it was feeling crummy.

I'm shell-shocked by how much I spent on seashells at the beach today

I was trying to help your mom put together this new coffee table she bought online. It had a ton of screws and diagrams, and I spent ages trying to figure out which piece went where.

It was a real *table* of contents.