My therapist encouraged me to find healthy ways to self-soothe.

So I started color-coding my anxiety spreadsheet.

I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update, but my manager said

that wouldn't be 'collaborative' – code for 'I like hearing myself talk'.

My manager told us, 'we're a family here.'

So I asked for an advance on my inheritance, and he said, 'Let's circle back on that.'

I just got a raise, but it's basically just an inflation adjustment

So now I can afford last year's lifestyle, congratulations to me