Dirty Joke Archive

I've been taking private dance lessons from a professional instructor, and she's been teaching me about the importance of proper mounting and dismounting techniques.

Now I can finally do the salsa without getting tangled up in my own feet.

I've been dating a professional librarian, and she's been teaching me about the importance of cataloging and shelving our desires.

But it turns out, her favorite position is still 'between the stacks'.

I've been dating a professional archer, and she's been teaching me about the art of precision and follow-through.

But honestly, it's all about finding the right target and hitting it repeatedly until you finally get a bullseye.

I've been dating a professional cartographer, and she's been teaching me how to navigate our relationship.

But honestly, I'm still having trouble finding the point of entry.

My girlfriend told me she wanted our relationship to 'evolve,' to 'reach new heights' and 'explore uncharted territory.'

I thought she meant we should try anal.

I've been taking private lessons from a professional fencer, and she's been teaching me about the importance of parrying and riposting in a tight spot.

Now I can finally score without getting caught off guard.

I was helping my neighbor prepare her garden last weekend. She said we needed to get down on our knees, really open up the soil, and plant some fresh seeds deep into the fertile ground. She even said the longer and harder we worked, the better the yield would be.

It was exhausting, but by the end of the day, we had a magnificent bed of tulips ready to burst.

My girlfriend asked me to fix a really stubborn clog in the shower last night. I had to get down on my knees, work it hard and deep with a long, flexible rod, and really thrust it in until it finally came loose.

The drain's running perfectly now, but I think I pulled a muscle.

My new fitness trainer is really intense. She says the key to a great session is to get really low, push hard against resistance, and focus on those long, deep thrusts for maximum benefit.

Apparently, I'm going to be an amazing competitive rower.

I've been taking cooking classes with a professional pastry chef, and she's been teaching me about the importance of beating, whipping, and creaming to get the perfect rise.

My neighbor, who's a master gardener, told me the key to a thriving patch...

...is knowing exactly when to go deep, get dirty, and give it a good watering.

I've been dating a professional gemologist, and she's been teaching me about the importance of clarity and brilliance in our relationship.

But honestly, I'm just looking for someone with a little more cut to them.

I've been dating a professional photographer, and she's always trying to develop our relationship.

But honestly, I think she's just looking for someone to focus on.

My new riding instructor is very particular. She says the key to a good performance is a firm grip, finding your rhythm, and really working your hips into the saddle.

She had me going up and down for what felt like hours until I was completely exhausted, but when I finally finished, I felt utterly satisfied.

My girlfriend told me she loves foreplay.

I told her, 'Great, because I usually need about an hour and a half just to get my socks off.'

I've been dating a professional geologist, and she's been teaching me about the importance of excavation and getting to the core of our relationship.

Now I'm feeling the pressure to penetrate deeper and make a lasting impression.

I've been dating a mathematician, and she's always trying to find the common denominator in our relationship.

But it's always reducing to a fraction of what it used to be.

I've been dating a professional chocolatier, and she's been teaching me about the art of molding relationships.

Now I know why our love is so rich and nutty, but sometimes it leaves a bitter aftertaste.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to go on a really wild adventure in bed.

So I told her, 'Great, let's try not faking it this time.'

I've been dating a botanist, and she's been teaching me about the art of cultivation.

Apparently, I've been nurturing a weed.