Dirty Joke Archive

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be more adventurous in bed.

I said, 'Honey, I already tried that. Last week I spent twenty minutes looking for your clitoris.'

My girlfriend told me she wanted a man who was good with his hands, like a carpenter.

She said I spend too much time measuring and not enough time nailing.

My girlfriend asked me what the difference was between me and a vibrator.

I told her, 'Well, I can make you breakfast the next morning.'

My girlfriend told me she likes it when I take charge in the bedroom.

So I handed her the remote.

I went on a first date with a woman last night, and she told me she was really into self-care.

So I asked if she meant meditation, yoga, or just making sure she had enough clean batteries.

My girlfriend told me she wanted a man who knows how to use his tongue to really pleasure her.

So I started reading her audiobooks.

My sniper instructor always emphasized the importance of proper bullet trajectory.

He said, 'You want maximum penetration, and a clean, deep impact.'

I just started a new job at a bakery, and my boss is very particular about how I handle the dough.

He says I need to come in early, work it hard and fast until it's really stiff, then get it warm and moist so it can rise properly.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to feel something 'deep and meaningful' in bed.

I told her, 'Honey, if you wanted a colonoscopy, you could have just said so.'

I've been seeing a professional glassblower, and she's been instructing me on the art of shaping and molding a hot, delicate piece.

It's all about the gentle touch and knowing when to blow.

My girlfriend asked me to help her with a new recipe last night. She said it needed a lot of careful preparation, a firm grip, and then I really had to beat it hard until it was stiff and peaked, ready for her to spread it out and enjoy.

Turns out she was just making meringue.

I've been dating a professional archer, and she's been teaching me about the importance of proper form and follow-through.

Now I know why she's always hitting the mark, but missing the point.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to experiment with something new in bed. She said, 'Let's try anal.'

I said, 'Honey, I've been trying that for years. It's called marriage.'

My girlfriend told me she wanted to move in together to 'take our relationship to the next level.'

I said, 'Great, now you can finally see how long it takes for me to get off when I'm not faking it.'

I've been taking private lessons from a professional florist, and she's been teaching me about the art of pruning and arranging the perfect bouquet.

Now I'm really good at handling the stems and getting to the root of the problem.

My wife just got a new power tool for her carpentry projects. She told me it's really important to keep a firm grip, position it just right, and then push it in deep for maximum penetration.

She was so proud of her new drill press.

I've been seeing a professional pastry chef, and she's been instructing me on the art of filling and decorating delicate pastries.

Now I'm able to rise to the occasion and give her a satisfying finish.

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to 'take her breath away' in bed.

I said, 'Honey, I thought we agreed we were done with the chokeholds.'

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her 'knight in shining armor' in the bedroom.

So I showed up in full plate mail and spent the next hour trying to figure out how to get my dick out.

I've started dating a professional tattoo artist, and she's been teaching me about the different types of ink and needles.

But I'm starting to think she's just using me for practice, because every time we're together, she's always trying to get under my skin.