Dirty Joke Archive

My wife told me she needed me to help her 'get off' after a long day.

So I drove her straight to the airport.

My girlfriend told me our sex life was getting a little stale, and she wanted me to try something new and exciting.

So I blindfolded her, spun her around a few times, and told her, 'Okay, now *you* find it.'

My new pottery instructor told me I need to be more sensitive with my hands.

She said the best results come when you really get in there and work it until it's wet and pliable.

My new masseuse told me I was too tense.

She said I needed to really relax and let her get in there deeper.

My girlfriend recently told me she wanted me to put more effort into our love life. She said she was tired of me just going straight for it and finishing too quickly.

I told her, 'Look, I treat sex like I treat my taxes: I just want to get it over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.'

My neighbor asked if I could come over and help her out. She said she had a really stubborn patch in her garden that just wouldn't get wet enough, no matter how much she tried to work it herself. She really needed a big, strong man to come over, get it good and soft, and then jam something long and hard right in there.

Turns out she wanted me to help her plant a new fence post.

My neighbor called me this morning, frantic. She said she couldn't get it to go up, no matter how much she tried to pump it herself. She really needed a big, strong man to come over and give it a good working over until it was really stiff and full.

Turns out she was trying to inflate her son's bouncy castle.

My dentist told me I needed to improve my flossing technique.

He said I wasn't going deep enough, and I really needed to get in there and work the whole length of it.

My personal trainer told me the key to developing great stamina.

He said it's all about pacing yourself and holding back, but sometimes you just gotta come first.

My wife told me she was having a really tough time getting anything to stand up properly. She said she needed something big, firm, and long-lasting to really fill the void and give her the support she'd been craving.

So I bought her a new bookshelf.

My girlfriend told me she really wanted me to listen to her and pay attention to her every need in bed.

So I got down on my knees and just waited for her to tell me what to do.

My neighbor called me late last night, frantic. She said she was trying a new position but just couldn't get it to feel right...

...and asked if I could come over and help her properly align the shelves.

My wife told me she was having a lot of trouble with her new recipe. She said she was trying to get something big and firm to really swell up, but it just kept getting soft and refusing to rise.

She was making soufflé for the first time.

My therapist told me that for a relationship to really work, both partners need to put in the effort.

So I asked my girlfriend if she'd mind doing a few more squats.

My neighbor came over late last night, looking desperate. She said she was all wet, things were tight, and she needed a big, strong man to come over and help her work it until it was firmly in place.

Turns out her new garden hose was jammed in the spigot and she couldn't attach it.

My wife was complaining the other day. She said I never properly finish the job, always leaving things uneven and requiring her to pick up the slack, and that I really needed to work on my strokes to get a good, smooth coat.

She was talking about the new paint job in the living room, of course.

My art teacher told me I needed to really 'work on my finishing techniques' to get a better grade.

She said my pieces were always 'too quick' and lacked 'depth'.

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to really work on my penetration.

I told her I thought I had that covered, but if she wanted me to try a new financial market, I was open to it.

My boss told me he was concerned about the stiff competition we were facing.

I told him, "Don't worry, I always perform better when I'm stiff."

My girlfriend said she was bored with our sex life and wanted to try something that would really get her heart racing and leave her breathless.

So I suggested we do it in my mom's living room.