Dirty Joke Archive

I've been taking private lessons from a beautiful glassblower, and she's been teaching me how to shape something delicate, get a good grip, and blow it all out of proportion.

I've been taking private dance lessons from a beautiful instructor, and she's been teaching me how to grind with precision, really thrust my hips, and make every move count.

Now I'm finally comfortable with my body and can tango in front of my family.

I've been taking sailing lessons from a beautiful instructor, and she's been teaching me how to navigate through tight spots, avoid getting tangled up, and make the most of every stroke.

Now I'm hooked on her techniques.

My girlfriend asked if I could help her with her new air mattress.

She said she needed me to really 'pump it up' to make sure it was firm enough for us tonight.

My piano teacher told me I needed to really 'finger' the keys with more passion, get my 'rhythm' just right, and make the whole piece build up to a powerful 'climax'.

I think he just wants me to practice my sonata.

My neighbor asked if I could help her with her garden project last weekend. She wanted me to get down low, handle something long and stiff, really work it back and forth, and then help her get it standing straight up.

She was trying to build a new trellis for her climbing roses.

I've been taking private lessons from a professional seamstress, and she's been teaching me how to make a perfect stitch, get in deep, and really pull it all together.

Now I can finally finish that torn pair of pants.

I matched with a girl on Tinder who said she was 'fluid' in her sexuality.

I thought, great, someone who finally understands my problem with premature ejaculation.

My girlfriend just bought a new pressure cooker.

She says she loves all the build-up, and then a good, controlled release.

I've been dating a girl who's a professional librarian, and she's always trying to get me to check out her catalog and see if we have a good connection.

My girlfriend told me I need to be more supportive in our relationship, really hold her up and be her rock.

I told her, 'Honey, I've been supporting you on my face for weeks now.'

They say men fantasize about having sex with multiple women.

And women fantasize about having sex with *one* man who doesn't need directions.

My date told me she loved a man who could really handle his dough. She wanted me to come over and show her how I work it, get it nice and firm, and then help her make it rise.

We ended up baking bread for her charity bake sale.

I've been dating a girl who's a professional cryptologist, and she's always trying to crack my code

But honestly, I think she's just looking for a backdoor entrance

My wife was complaining about our plumbing last night. She said something about needing a man who could really handle a pipe, get deep down, and know how to screw things tight to stop the leaking.

So I called a plumber, and he'll be here Monday.

I've been dating a girl who's a professional architect, and she's always trying to redesign our sex life.

Now every time we hook up, it's a blueprint for disaster.

My wife told me she needed me to really get down and dirty tonight, handle something long and stiff, and then help her get it off.

She just wanted me to help her change the vacuum cleaner bag.

My girlfriend told me she finds a man who can 'handle his wood' very attractive.

I guess I'd better learn some carpentry.

My girlfriend wanted to try role-playing in bed last night.

I told her I'd be the mailman, but she'd have to wait outside naked and I'd just leave the package on the porch.

I've been dating a girl who's a professional arborist, and she's always trying to get me to branch out and try new things in the evening