Millennial Joke Archive

I've been reading self-help books to improve my mental health

but the only thing I've accomplished is organizing my bookshelf by recovery journey

My CEO just told everyone, 'We're a family here!'

I immediately checked my organ donor status.

I've been doing the work in therapy to improve my attachment style

Now I'm just anxiously attached to my therapist.

I'm trying to buy a house, but the market is crazy

I've got a better chance of winning the lottery than getting a mortgage with a payment that's less than my student loan

I've been reading all these self-help books to improve my mental health

now my apartment is just a pile of unread books and unfulfilled potential

I told my therapist I was having trouble with self-regulation, so she gave me a mood journal to track my emotions.

Now my anxiety just has a very organized to-do list.

My manager told us, 'we're a family here.'

So I asked for an advance on my inheritance, and he said, 'Let's circle back on that.'

I suggested replacing our daily stand-up meeting with a simple email update, but my manager said

that wouldn't be 'collaborative' – code for 'I like hearing myself talk'.

My therapist identified my attachment style as 'anxious-preoccupied.'

Which perfectly explains why I keep checking if my DoorDash order is still 5 minutes away.

I asked my boomer dad for housing advice

He said 'just save up and put 20% down', which is like telling me to 'just buy a unicorn and ride it to work'

Our CEO said we're a family here, so

I'm waiting for my vacation days to be paid in hugs and apologies for making me work on Thanksgiving.

I've been trying to work on my anxiety in therapy

Now I'm just anxious about not making progress in therapy

I've been trying to practice mindfulness in therapy

but I keep finding myself pondering existential dread during meditation instead of my breath

I've been trying to develop a self-care routine

but so far it just consists of buying face masks and calling it 'me time'

I've got so many side hustles,

my main job is starting to feel like a very expensive hobby.

My boss told me to 'manifest a positive outcome'

when I asked for a raise.

My manager told me to 'optimize my passion' for the company.

But honestly, my only passion right now is optimizing my sleep schedule.

I've been trying to develop a growth mindset in therapy

but it's hard when my student loans are still in a fixed mindset about being paid

My manager told us to 'embrace the chaos.'

Which I quickly translated to: 'we're understaffed and you're not getting a raise.'

I've been doing the work in therapy to practice self-compassion

But it's hard to be kind to myself when my student loans are still sending me mean emails