Millennial Joke Archive

I've been doing the work in therapy to develop a growth mindset

but so far, the only thing that's grown is my therapist's billable hours

I've been working on my emotional regulation in therapy

Now I can cry about my student loans in a more intentional way

My therapist told me to 'do the work' and sit with my uncomfortable feelings.

So I added them to my calendar for next Tuesday at 3 PM, right after laundry.

My therapist said my avoidant attachment style keeps me from genuine connection.

So naturally, I've just been avoiding their emails.

My boss told us 'we're a family here,'

which is why I'm always guilt-tripped into doing extra work and can never afford to move out.

I've been trying to save up for a down payment on a house

but at this point, I'm just trying to afford the therapy sessions to deal with the fact that I'll never own a house

I'm trying to buy a house, but the market is insane

I've got a better chance of winning the lottery than getting a mortgage with a payment that's less than my student loans

I told my therapist I've been struggling to practice self-compassion

So she charged me extra for being mean to myself during the session

My therapist said 'doing the work' means leaning into discomfort.

I told her I'd just lean into my weighted blanket instead.

I've been reading about the benefits of having a 5-year plan

but my rent is month-to-month, so that's about as far as I'm thinking

I asked my boomer dad for advice on buying a house

He said 'just work harder and cut back on avocado toast', I said 'dad, I'm a freelance writer, my only income is from avocado toast reviews'

I finally achieved financial stability.

Now I can afford the premium subscription to my anxiety app.

I just turned the age my parents were when they bought their first house.

I just hit 'add to cart' on a new houseplant.

My parents asked if I'm saving for a down payment.

I told them I'm saving for the societal collapse – feels more realistic.

I'm really trying to plan for the future.

My long-term plan is just to survive long enough to see the next season of whatever I'm binging.

I finally feel like I'm really adulting.

I just paid rent and immediately felt the urge to take a nap on the floor.

I finally finished my masterpiece.

It's a spreadsheet tracking all my subscription services.

My biggest fear isn't dying.

It's having to pay for the funeral.

I've been working on my financial literacy.

Mostly so I can understand *exactly* why I'll never own a home.

I'm thinking about starting a family.

But then I remember climate change, and I just buy another houseplant.