Millennial Joke Archive

My therapist said I need to 'regulate my nervous system.'

My nervous system said, 'Just one more TikTok.'

I'm at the age where I'm expected to be a homeowner, but

my biggest investment is a Roth IRA with 17 dollars in it, which I'm pretty sure is just a savings account for my future anxiety.

I just got a raise, but it's all relative

because now I can afford ramen noodles twice a week instead of once

My side hustle spreadsheet

has more rows than my actual monthly budget.

I'm trying to save for a down payment on a house

but so far I've only managed to save enough for a decent Craigslist couch

I've been doing the work in therapy to improve my attachment style

Now I'm just aggressively attached to my couch and refusal to commit to anything else

I'm trying to follow the classic boomer advice to 'invest in real estate'

but the only property I can afford is a timeshare in my parents' basement

My boss scheduled a 'wellness check-in' meeting,

and I nearly had a stress attack just putting it on my calendar.

I've been doing the work in therapy to recognize my unhealthy patterns

Now I can identify all the ways I'm sabotaging my relationships, but that doesn't mean I've stopped doing them

My manager just called an 'urgent all-hands' meeting to discuss how we can all be more proactive about asynchronous communication.

I'm at the point where I'm considering a side hustle

but the only thing I can sell is my plasma, and even that's not getting a good price on the market

Our company motto is 'we're a family here',

which is why I'm starting to think my actual family is also just looking for ways to downsize me.

My manager told me to 'embrace the chaos' as a growth opportunity.

My therapist just calls it 'a toxic work environment'.

I've been trying to practice self-compassion in therapy

but it's hard when my inner critic has a stronger Twitter presence than my inner peace

I'm trying to buy a house, but it seems like the only thing I can afford is the Zillow subscription

I'm trying to adult, but the housing market is tough

I've got a 401k, but it's just a list of 401 reasons I'll never own a home

I've been doing the work in therapy to develop healthier coping mechanisms,

but so far, my go-to coping mechanism is just telling people I'm doing the work in therapy.

I asked my manager if I could stop coming to meetings that could've been emails

and they said 'but then you'd miss out on the synergy and collaboration... and also your paycheck'

My company says 'we're a family here,'

which is weird because my actual family never expects me to work weekends for free.

I've been trying to develop a growth mindset in therapy

but so far the only thing I've grown is my therapy bill