My manager told us, 'we're a family here.'

So I asked for an advance on my inheritance, and he said, 'Let's circle back on that.'

I've been doing the work in therapy to improve my attachment style

Now I'm just anxiously attached to my therapist.

I'm thinking about starting a family.

But then I remember climate change, and I just buy another houseplant.

I'm at the point where I'm considering a 30-year mortgage

which is also the expected lifespan of my avocado toast-fueled liver