My financial advisor told me I need to be more aggressive with my assets...

...and diversify my portfolio by spreading it around.

I told my date I was a master of seduction and could make any woman swoon.

She just laughed and said I was just a bass player.

I've been dating a girl who's a professional cryptologist, and she's always trying to crack my code

But honestly, I think she's just looking for a backdoor entrance

My wife told me she wants me to 'go all night' in the bedroom.

I told her, 'Honey, I barely make it through the opening credits without falling asleep, let alone the director's cut.'