I've been dating a girl who's a professional arborist, and she's always trying to get me to branch out and try new things in the evening

My girlfriend told me she wanted to experiment with something new in bed. She said, 'Let's try anal.'

I said, 'Honey, I've been trying that for years. It's called marriage.'

I've been dating a girl who's a professional librarian, and she's always trying to get me to check out her catalog and see if we have a good connection.

My career counselor said I needed to figure out how to get ahead in life.

I told her I thought I was already quite proficient at it.