I saw a guy's Tinder bio that said he's a 'free spirit' who 'lives life on his own terms'

But his profile picture was him posing in front of a Mom-approved kitchen backdrop

I saw a guy's Tinder bio that said 'Dog dad seeking same'

Like, are you looking for a girlfriend or a playdate for your bulldog?

I walked into a new coffee shop this morning, and the vibe was just right.

So before I even ordered, I meticulously scouted the perfect table for my 'protagonist deep in thought' moment, complete with a dramatic sip and a pensive stare out the window.

I was running late for work and spilled coffee all over my shirt, so I

decided to monologue about the meaninglessness of modern life as I stood there, coffee dripping down my legs, because if I'm going to be a hot mess, I'm going to be a cinematic hot mess.