I tried to channel my inner 'wellness guru' this morning and started my day with a green smoothie and 15 minutes of journaling.

Then I spent the next hour frantically searching for my car keys, only to find them in the fridge next to the kale.

I've started using a planner to organize my life, which is just a nice way of saying

I'm paying $20 to write down all the things I'm not going to do

I've started noticing that guys on dating apps love to claim they're 'foodies'

But when you ask them to recommend a restaurant, they send you a screenshot of a grilled cheese they made in 2018

I took my car in for a routine oil change, but in my mind, it was a pivotal scene in my biopic

So, I monologued to the mechanic about the symbolism of dirty oil and the struggle for personal growth, and now I'm pretty sure he's rooting for me to win an Oscar