Why did the calendar get invited to all the parties?

Because it had so many dates!

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

So I was at the park with my kids, and we saw a guy playing fetch with his dog. The dog was really good at catching the ball, but the owner was having trouble throwing it straight. I asked him if he was using a special technique to throw the ball, and he said

he was paws-itive it would improve with practice

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!