Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged

I'm a baker, and I'm feeling crumby about my career choices.

So I was at the beach with my kids, and we saw a person building an enormous sandcastle with towers and a moat. The kids were fascinated by the details and started asking the builder about their design process. I asked the person how they managed to make their castle so sturdy, and they said

it was a grain of experience

I was out in the garden this morning, trying to pull up all those pesky weeds that have taken over the flowerbeds. It felt like a never-ending battle.

I finally had to tell them to just leaf me alone.