My girlfriend told me she really wanted me to listen to her and pay attention to her every need in bed.

So I got down on my knees and just waited for her to tell me what to do.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to experiment with something new in bed. She said, 'Let's try anal.'

I said, 'Honey, I've been trying that for years. It's called marriage.'

My girlfriend told me she wanted to try some 'kinky stuff' in the bedroom last night. She pulled out a blindfold, some ropes, and a feather duster.

I asked her, 'So, are we having sex, or are you just finally going to clean that dust bunny under the bed that's been watching us?'

My financial advisor told me I really needed to diversify my assets.

I told him, 'Don't worry, I already have a very well-rounded portfolio.'