I love how self-care ads always say 'take a few minutes for yourself each day'

like I can just carve out a tranquil oasis between my 3 PM meeting and 3:05 PM panic attack

My phone battery hit 5% this morning, and I'm not going to lie, I felt the world dramatically slow down.

I paused, looked around, and thought, 'This is it. This is the third act twist. Who knew my epic journey would end with a dead phone and no Instagram?'

I saw a guy's dating profile that said he was looking for someone 'natural' and 'low-maintenance.'

And I thought, 'Oh, great. So I'll just skip the *full* eleven-step skincare routine tonight and only do seven.'

My date was running 15 minutes late, which was actually perfect, because it gave me just enough time...

...to frantically clear the pile of 'clothes I tried on and rejected' from my bed and shove the three empty La Croix cans into the recycling bin, so my apartment looked effortlessly tidy instead of a pre-date war zone.