My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be more spontaneous in bed.

So I just started shouting 'SURPRISE!' every time I came.

Why did the man name his dick 'Cashew'?

Because every time he got excited, it went nuts.

I just had the worst oral sex of my life.

My dentist said I need to floss more.

I went on a date with a woman who said she was looking for a man who could 'go all night long'.

I told her I could definitely stay awake for eight hours, but she seemed less impressed when I clarified I meant binge-watching a documentary about competitive cheese rolling.