I spent a solid hour this morning making myself look 'effortlessly put together.'

Which means I've now got about a three-hour grace period before humidity, gravity, or my own face decides to stage a coup.

Some guys on dating apps say they want a woman who's 'natural,' 'doesn't wear too much makeup,' 'low maintenance.'

But then you show up without a full glam squad and they look at you like you're an uncooked potato.

I've been noticing that guys on dating apps love to say they're 'entrepreneurs'

But it's just code for 'I'm unemployed and playing video games in my mom's basement'

My co-worker just casually asked if I had any fun weekend plans.

Now my brain is frantically trying to decide if 'binge-watching a show in pajamas' sounds impressively chill or pathetically unaccomplished.