I've started using a planner to organize my life, which is just a nice way of saying

I'm paying $20 to write down all the things I'm not going to do

I was having a particularly mundane day, so I decided to spice things up

I started narrating my laundry cycle in a David Attenborough voice, and now I'm convinced my socks are on a journey of self-discovery

I love how some skincare products claim to be 'anti-aging' as if they're not just delaying the inevitable

I was at the grocery store, and as I reached for the last loaf of bread, I felt a surge of drama

So I monologued to the entire aisle, 'It's not just a loaf of bread, it's a symbol of hope in a world that's always trying to toast us'